when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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