put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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