Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
