Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
