you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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