Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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