I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
