Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize