I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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