My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
