As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
