I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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