And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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