This house was built for laser tag.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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