some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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