the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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