thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
