On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
