woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
