After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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