I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
