A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
