Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
