I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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