I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
