can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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