It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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