I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
