After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just cut my nipple shaving
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
