So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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