im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
