SEEEEXXX PLEASE
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
