remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
