i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
