my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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