everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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