i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
