Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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