It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize