I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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