If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
