Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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