I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
