how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize