wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
