dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
