don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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