Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
