I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
