your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
