my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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