We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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