On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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