i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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