I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
