Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
