when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
