we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
