You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
